The Words I didn't Say

Before I post the part 3 of book review that I've read, allow me to make a writing about what I feel in these couple weeks. Maybe I'll deleted this writing someday, I don't know. I think it's not appropriate to tell to you, people, about someone else, about my private life. But I feel I have to write this. I can't stand this feeling.

I have a sibling, youngest sibling. We call it for now, M. I know her since she was born. Our age gap is pretty far, about 9 years. I remembered when she was in playgroup, I had to take her to the school which took place not so far from our home. It was the same when she was in elementary school. I thought at that time I had a sibling that I had to do my best to become a role model for her and also for my oldest sister too. I worked very hard as I could. Getting into a good university, public university. My aim was to encourage them, my siblings, so they could reach their dreams high, even higher and better than me. There is nothing comes free. It needs work hard and sacrifices. I got into public university in outside Jakarta. So I had to study for about 6 years, leaving my family in Jakarta. Sometimes when the vacation came, I could take a few days to go back home and share my experience in my university life. The point that I missed, maybe, I rarely asked my siblings about how they felt, how is their school going on. I was terribly sorry. It was my fault that never want to know their feelings well. And the time passed by so fast. Those 6 years I was fine. Nothing happened. However, after 6 months I graduated from my school, I was shocked and felt terrible. I never know that my siblings felt like I was more special than them in my parents' eyes. My aunt and uncle said that to me when they were on vacation together with my siblings. I never know that they felt inferior than me. It was my fault, once again. I thought I had became a great big sister who could help them with anything, but it was a mistake. So, deep down in my heart, I was crying. It was sad to have the person that you know very well, like family, think like that. Maybe, my character was not right. I'm bossy and always want to make my own rules. They have to follow my own rules and can't discuss it with me. Phew... I think that's not all. I even couldn't enter their feelings, talked to them about what in their thoughts about me. Maybe they just don't care at all. Because of that 6 years of my leaving, we are not that close. We became distant. I pray to God to bless them with wisdom and health and good education and thought about God. All I can do just pray. I can't change somebody's feeling. Never can. I strive to become a better person also. Reading books about God's work and plan, sharing with friends and one of my cousin, and always pray and pray. That's all I do to make myself a better person. For what? So that I could reach their feeling and we could be a real family, sharing about anything without hesitance. It breaks my heart when they put me off from whatever they do. It breaks my heart when I was not listened. It breaks my heart when I try to make them great in school but they ignore my efforts. Oh it makes me wanna cry again haha... I never calculate everything that I give to them, but when they do it to me, it's really awful. It seems like I never want the best for them, I never give my best to them. It's so sad...really bad. However, there is nothing I can do. Just pray. Right? Then, I have to go far from my home for another year. I don't know if I could handle or finish this. I could say that let it be. Let God's time control it. All I can do just pray, pray, and pray everyday. I will always pray every time I remember them.

18-4-2019